June 12, 2009

A Letter to my Abuser

Dear Abuser,

A number of years ago you chose me as number 23. I was barley 13 when you decided to take my innocence. You abused my small body indiscriminately and broke my mind. I have to wonder whether at that time you knew that my spirit would be difficult to break, if you were bored, if you wanted a challenge. You played mind games with me, you threatened that which was most precious to me, to keep my silence. You plunged me into womenhood, stole my childhood and made me fear the opposite sex.

I still don't know how you reacted when I stood up. If you were suprised that I had decided to fight you. I don't know how you could've been? You always knew I was a fighter.

Could you have anticipated that when I stood up that number 21 and number 16 would follow. Our justice system failed the victims again and you walked away with a 3 year suspended sentence, a wife and a beautiful daughter, but your reputation and pride were not in tact.

I moved on as best I could, I thought I was rid of you. Imagine my suprise then when I discovered yesterday that you had been poking around on my Facebook profile. My instant reaction was fear. I wanted to deleted my profile. I wondered if you had seen the pictures of my beautiful son, if you had found your way to my blog. I wanted to delete my blog and all other internet profiles. To protect myself from you.

As I lay in bed last night thinking about what you have done, and how you have once again invaded my privacy, I began to remember why I stood up, why I fought you and why I obtained victory.

It is because of this, that I hope you have found this blog. I hope you are reading this, and you can see how happy I am.

I have a message for you. Something I have wanted to say for a long time.

I am NOT your victim anymore. I am HAPPY, despite your actions. You NEVER did, nor will you EVER break my spirit. I AM a stronger person because of you. I will NEVER forget you or what you did because it is the fibre of who I am today. You set out to destroy me, but I came out a STRONGER and a BETTER person. I am NOT ashamed of being a survivor. I am NOT scared of you. I stood against you as a little girl and I am STILL standing!

I am not going anywhere, you coward. I AM RIGHT HERE, and I WILL STAY HERE!


Mandy said...

Bravo!!! (Insert applause here)

Dont let anyone ever make you think otherwise. I applaud you for this post and I suddenly have an immense respect for your happy life and the woman you have become.

You will forever be my friend!

(And it just goes to show that some people are SICK! Who the hell do you think he is?? Maybe you should report him to the Facebook "authorities".)

Mandy said...

Sorry who the hell DOES he think he is.

Nikki said...

Hi Mands,
Thanks my friend. I did report the incident, but because he never actually violated any of the rules and I am an adult, there is nothing they can do.

I am not letting it get me down. Picked myself up, dusted off and moving on ;)

Jahni said...

You made me cry. I sensed a very strong edge to your writing from the first time I read your blog, couldn't put my finger on it, but it makes sense now. You're right: you're not a victim. You have overcome something horrible, something that would have broken someone with a lesser spirit. Just keep being the person you are, that is punishment enough for him.

Bel said...

You are truly an inspiration. Thanks!

Deidre Zeuner said...

Nix, You are one hell of a woman. I have the utmost respect for you, more now than ever before. So glad you standing up for your rights and wouldn't let a very sick person take the essence of you away!

Thank you for sharing...

Mandri said...

Wow, you are truely an inspiration!

Kim said...


You truly are a STRONG woman