May 15, 2009

I think I've lost my mind...

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a Mom. I've dreamed of my growing belly, of feeling my baby move and grow inside me, of holding them, and smelling them, and seeing their smile. The day I received the count on my 1st beta, the Fertility Clinic told me to be prepared for twins, my husband was petrified, I was ecstatic. I must confess, I was a little disappointed when we saw one heartbeat, I asked the Doctor if he was sure there was only one baby in there. Please don't lynch me, I wouldn't trade my son for anything in the world, I just had this romantic dream of holding two babies.

I loved every second of my pregnancy, I spent so much time everyday, caressing my belly and watching it swell and grow. I eagerly followed growth mails, and read what was happening with my little one. I delighted in feeling him hiccough inside me, and loved every nudge, kick and punch. The birth was less than ideal, but I at least got to have the natural birth I longed for.

Holding my perfect little boy for the 1st time was the most amazing experience, and I know nothing will ever replace that, he didn't cry and was quite content to lay on my chest. I will never forget how he looked up at me with those beautiful eyes. He was so tiny and petite, I just couldn't believe that this little being had grown inside me, and instinctively knew that I was his Mom.
There have been rough times, but the bottom line is that he is a good baby. He doesn't fuss much, and hardly ever cries. He smiles and talks and loves everyone. I can see him grow a little more everyday and it's beautiful.

So, why have I lost my mind? Our son is barely four months old and I long to be pregnant again. There are moments where I wonder what I was thinking when I wished for it, but they are so few and far between. Jordan is all and more than I could ever ask for, but somehow my heart and body aches to be pregnant again.

Why? I really need some rational answers here, I'm at a loss.

6 comments:

Mandy said...

I hear you. My circumstnaces are very different but I yearn for a normal pregnancy. You know the ones the fertile people have. I want to decide to have a baby, get pregnant, glow for 9 months, chrish it all and enjoy every moment of it without knowing anything about what could possibly go wrong and without feeling any kind of longing towards the two babies I have in heaven. That's why I want 3 kids. I want to experience the dreams, the hopes, the sense of carrying your baby inside you for at least as long as it takes for my heart to heal. You must remember we have all been hurt and scarred because of our infertility. We will never be the same again, and while we are pregnant we experience a sense of victory which can be very addictive because while we are pregnant we are seeing, feeling and knowing the "impossible" has become possible.

Rentia said...

What a nice blogpost!

You're just human, we all yearn for something.

XXXX

Hope852 said...

Nix

I have to tell you that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. I had the exact same feeling around the time when my daughter was 3-4 months - althought I loved her more than the universe itself I would have just loved to be pregnant again - to go through that beautiful process one more time.

However .... in saying that - whether its a good thing or a bad thing - it does pass when your little one starts becoming more active - crawling, grabbing things he shouldn't, his first few steps etc. - you will probably then go through a stage of wondering what you were thinking imagining you could handle another one. But thankfully that too passes and once baby becomes a toddler, the need to do it over will definately return.

Although I am not sure the above is always the case - it was with me and quite a few friends I discussed it with at the time.

TjoppieM said...

Stunning post my friend.

To tell you the truth, I was in tears last week as I miss my tummy and being pregnant and It as only been 3 weeks today...it is terrible.

I can jst imagine what you must be feeling and now i know i will feel that in 3 months time...

I am thinking of you and I know in your circumstance it is not pssible to just "get pregnant" again.

I trust and hope you feel better soon and I suppose it is all normal and natural to want it,

Thinking of you! xxx

Mandri said...

Wow, what a beautiful post!

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