March 02, 2010

We sat there, in that cold room government hospital room, joking about the smell of car air freshener, skirting the subject, not wanting to say what was on our minds. The grip of his hand on mine told me he expected what I did.


She came in, looked at his file, checked his X rays, biopsy results and did one further examination. He told her: "don't beat around the bush, tell us so that we know". She looked at him and said: "Cancer can only be cured 3 ways. Surgery. Not an option for you. Chemotherapy. You're not type specific enough. Radiation. Impossible because of where your cancer is. We can manage your symptoms and treat your pain, but that is all. I'm sorry". I felt the grip of his hand tighten, it mimicked the feeling in my throat, constricting, a lack of air. "How long"? he asked.

"Not long".

I don't know what I expected. A rush of tears? Words expressing how unfair this was? Instead, I was met with silence, and his gaze, that implored me to say something. Anything. I couldn't. I had no words. My mind was reeling, but my mouth couldn't say what my heart was feeling.

And then she said these words, words that will stay with me forever. "None of us have tomorrow. This is it. Today is all we have, and today you are alive. Today you can hold your wife's hand, and tell your children you love them. You're going to have good days, and you're going to have bad ones. Make a list, and on the good days, do those things you want to do. Live your life".

All I could muster was a thank you.

Right now, all I can muster is a thank you to my family and to my friends, those I have met and those I haven't. I do not have the words to tell you how loved we feel, how your emails, text messages and phone calls have validated my husbands life and have made these dark days a little brighter.

In all this madness, we all need to really hear what that Doctor said.

Today is all with have. Live your life.

35 comments:

Mandri said...

I'm so sorry my friend! Please know that you are in my prayers! For the Lord NOTHING is impossible!

Martie xxx said...

Wow, what strong words from teh nurse. Those are incredible. I have copied them and I am laminating it and sticking it on my fridge. I am also writing his name at the bottom of it to inspire me. Those words are incredible and so true.

You are constantly in our thoughts and prayers and I am so honored to know a strong, courageous women like you.

Love you with all my heart. xx

Evelyn said...

I am so so sorry Nix. I am praying for all of you

And I am here if you need anything
x x x

Jahni said...

Thank you for being so honest about your grief. You are both an inspiration. You've reminded me to move beyond the little things.

Loads of love.

xxx

landie said...

oh hun im so sorry!!

still praying for him and you and i always will!

Hope852 said...

Nix - I feel so honoured to have met you and your wonderful family ... please know that we will all be here to walk this difficult road with you if not in body then definately in mind.
You are an amazing woman and have touched the lives of many in such a positive way.

xxxxxx

Shirley said...

Hi Nix

I am so so sorry and i cannot imagine what you going through

Your strength and situation have brought me to tears and i will be thinking of you two and little guy all the time. You are an inspiration

Shirley

Kerry Wilson said...

Nix I cant even begin to imagine where you are right now. Enjoy every moment and don't give up hope.

I just know that feeling when your world stops and yet everyone else carries on regardless.

Just remember we are here for you whatever you need.

Kim said...

I'm so sorry for the news you have received. You and your fam are in my prayers.

(((HUGS)))

theclam said...

Nix, I've said most of it on my email to you earlier, but you are SO right, all we can do is take each day and live our lives to the fullest.

Thank you for reminding me of that fact.

You and Syd are in my thoughts and prayers.

xxx

Megan said...

nix, my heart truly bleeds for you. I can only but imagine how hard those words must have struck you. I wish that for one day i could take the pain and suffering away, and take you back a couple of months where you, myself and Marthie met at spur and had supper together....none of us knowing what is to come, but we were so happy then.

nix, my friend, i know sorry seems empty right now, but the tears rolling down my face right now validates how truly emotional i feel for you, and how honestly i wish i could do something.

Like marthie said, you are one of the most courageous strong women i will, and have ever met. You are more strong than i think i could ever be.....

my words feel so empty right now, but my heart is broken :-(

Sharon said...

I'm so sorry! Your blog posting makes one stop and take stock!
Prayers to you and your family!

Katherine said...

I am so so sorry. You are such an inspiration to us all. In our thoughts and prayers.

Paula said...

I can't even begin to say how sorry I am. I am so touched by your doctor's words, what an inspiration. When something of this magnitude happens, one needs some sort of message to hold on to, some direction in which to go, and this I think is the best, the only really, way to go. Here for you both, xoxo, P

Marie-L said...

Nix, I already said to you what I wanted. I am happy that your dh has you in his life, you will need each other more than ever know. You truely are each other's blessing.

Rentia said...

I'm so sorry Nix.

True words.

xxxx

theluckylife said...

I've come over here from Mindful Meandering. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, I wish you so much strength and love.

mommyinwaiting said...

Oh just popped over from Mindful Meandering where I heard you had received the worst news. I am wishing you and your hubby lots of strength to see you through a time so tough I cannot even imagine it.

Anonymous said...

My prayers are with you. I hope you have strength and peace every day.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to read your very sad news and I wish you much strength and support over the next while.

Beth said...

So, so sorry for what you and your husband are going through. There are no words...
I am a cancer survivor and am grateful everyday that my cancer was treatable with surgery (amputation) and chemo to save my life.
I also had all my treatment at a government hospital (GS)so totally understand what you have to deal with there.
Will keep you in my thoughts.

Rach said...

There are no words....just simply, I'm sorry...

xx

Nisey said...

Those words are so true for each one of us and most of all for your family right now. I pray that the days that you have together are the most amazing days of your life

Melanie said...

Nix I am in tears reading this because we were in the same boat as you 3 years back with my father in law. I am sorry that you have to go through it and that your little man has to see his father in this time of his life. I pray for strengh to get through this and that your husband will be cured. You and your family are in our thoughts. Keep on praying and believing, our Lord is almighty and anything is possible with Him!!

Twinkles said...

Nix my heart is really bleeding for you and there are no words to say, just prayers and love my friend. And yes we only have today so let's live for today!

Charnè said...

Nikki

My heart is breaking for you and your family at this news!

My prayers and thoughts are with you all and i pray that those words encourage you and keep you all strong durig this hard time

love and hugs to you

xxx

Bratty said...

Oh my..Nix...I am not quite sure what to say to you...My eyes are filled with tears, my heart with love for you and your husband....
Always remember that two souls are always destined to stay together forever...no matter what.

Sending you love, light and divine blessings

Love M

Zeu said...

Words Fail me. Such powerful words from your doctor.

I know you don't need reminding, but enjoy and cherish every single da, for it will be those memories that will carry you through the very difficult days ahead.

Praying for peace and comfort!
((Hugs ))

Erdna said...

So sorry Nix.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Lea said...

I'm so incredibly sorry. This must surely be one of the most difficult and heart-breaking meetings to ever attend.

Know that I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts!

Kirsty said...

So sorry

Karin Needham-Britz said...

Thinking of you and keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Mandy said...

No words can possibly make you feel better about this, but I hope that you and Syd can take this time to cherish each other and mak it worth while. A whole lot of loving and living can be done in a short time, so I pray that this will be a wonderful time instead of a terrible one. You are a brave woman and you will survive. I know you will become a better person and not a bitter person, even though that seems impossible at this stage. Thinking of you, Love you so much. Mands

Stephanie G. said...

You don't know me and I don't know you. I think this is a beautiful thing your are doing for your son. I'm crying as I write this. What a wonderful way to create happy memories of his father. Bless your honesty. I hope your family finds peace.

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