April 13, 2010

1 Month After Diagnosis

Dear Jordan,
Your diary entries will be done monthly now as life settles into some sort of normality. Dad is doing so well, despite yet another infection in his original drain incision.
This last month has been spent with friends and family, trying to connect and allowing Dad to be as normal as possible.

Some big things have happened in the last few weeks, and really tough decisions have had to be made. One of our biggest fears have been losing Dad, and losing our house shortly afterward. It is unfortunate, but it is a reality, and will probably happen. The bond is not registered solely in my name, and if one of the members of the bond passes away, the banks recall the entire debt. There is no way that I could ever afford to pay off that debt, and so the decision has been made to sell our house. This is not as bad as it sounds, and as Dad said to me, I have never been happy here. He is right, the best thing that happened in this house was you, everything else is of no consequence, and to be very honest, I will not be sad to see this house disappearing into the distance. We will find a new place, that I can afford by myself, and that you can grow up in.

Easter came and went. You had such a wonderful time hunting for eggs with Emma, and giving your poor Granny heart failure when you stuffed an entire white candy egg into your mouth. Watching you and your excitement was amazing, but somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I wondered if this would be the last Easter you would have with your Father, and how that would affect you. For some reason I just cannot get my mind around not having him with us. Perhaps it’s because he is so well now, or because it we cannot see the disease, but most of the time it feels like a dream, that he’ll definitely be with us tomorrow and nothing will change.




It was Jayden’s 1st birthday party last weekend, and we travelled up to East London to celebrate. It was Dad’s 1st long car journey since his diagnosis. He handled it so well, and you were an absolute star in your new big boy seat. The way that you interact with Jayden makes me long for a sibling for you, but while my heart says yes, my head says not yet. We have so much more to enjoy from watching you grow.




Dad and I are off on Friday to Mozambique for Dad’s dream holiday. I am so very excited to experience this dream with Dad, but am also incredibly apprehensive about leaving you behind. I have no anxiety about who you’ll stay with, but rather that you would have grown too quickly, or that I’ll miss out on a big milestone. Perhaps fate will deal me a good hand, and the only milestone will be those molars of yours that will finally show their face after months of irritating you.



Taking photos of you this month has been a stark reminder of how time waits for no man. You are no longer a baby, you no longer look like one, nor do you act like you. You are a fiercely independent little boy, just like your Dad.







Remember we love you always,
Dad and Mom

15 comments:

Sharon said...

Nix, your post is such a stark contrast to mine today, while mine is full of hope and excitement for my future, yours is full of apprehension of what will be... it reminds me that while some of us experience joy, some of us will experiene pain, that is the unfair and cruel nature of the world.
I saw your comment on my blog just as I was reading your update and I cannot imagine how your heart must be hurting!
Holding you all up in prayer!
P.S. Love the photo's of Jordan.

Kerry said...

So glad that your dear hubby is doing well at the moment. I hope that it stay that way so that you can enjoy a much-deserved holiday.

When I read your posts, I imagine Jordin reading them when he is much older. It's hard to believe that when he does, this will all be so far behind you and the fear of not knowing when it will happen or what it will be like without him will no longer be there. I hope that by then that fear will have been replaced with peace - peace in knowing that you are going to be ok.

darcie said...

So excited that you guys will be able to experience this trip together!
Enjoy every moment - take a gajillion pictures!
Have some fun!
xoxo

the DeAngelo ohana said...

Just found your blog. SO sorry that this is all happening. I will continue to pray for your family and the future. have a BLAST on that vacation! :) Cant wait to see photos!

Not Wendy said...

This just broke my heart. Your baby is the cutest. My prayers are with you!

Be the change you want to see in the world... said...

I found your blog and think of you often...xoxo

staygood1 said...

I'm sitting here at work trying not to cry. I work in a very masculine place so crying is not allwed. I don't know you, your son or your husband. I accidently stumbled onto your blog. I want to do nothing more right now than to go home and love every single person in my family. I am no longer sitting in my poor me zone stressing over the strife of having teens or not enough money or a job that can be challenging. I was reminded just now to cherish every tiny detail of life. Thank You and God Bless.

Mike said...

Your blog has been recommended to us as a interviewee's favorite blog!

We would like to do an interview with you about your blog for Blog
Interviewer. We'd
like to give you the opportunity to
give us some insight on the "person behind the blog."

It would just take a few minutes of your time. The interview form can
be submitted online here Submit your
interview
.

Best regards,

Mike Thomas

Jean said...

Nike shoes are very popular adidas shoes among people at all ages adidas outlet. The style and quality match adidas sneakers most people's taste. Nike Air nike air max Max a line of shoes Air Max BW released by Nike Inc. in Air Max LTD1987 first time. Since then Air Max Skyline Nike has been frequently introducing Air Max TN new as well as updated Air Max 2009models in it. Just as Air Max 2010 we all know, this year Air Max 360 is the Nike Air Max Air Max 9090 that double the 20th Air Max 95anniversary

prozacandpearls said...

Hello,

I just came across your blog totally randomly by clicking the Next Blog button from mine a few times.

I almost don't know what to say - all I can tell you is that in London, England, somebody is tremendously moved by your situation, and by the strength and love that pervade your recent entries.
If you are ever in need of something over here, genuinely do drop me a line - I'm a 24 yr old girl, and would be more than happy to help you out.
I will not forget this blog and will think of you and your husband and son often.

Emily

coach said...

juicy couture outlet
juicy couture handbags
fendi handbags
hermes handbags
miu miu handbags
coach outlet
coach handbags
coach bags
coach totes
4cheap prada shoes
prada handbags
prada sunglasses
prada purses
5louis vuitton handbags
LV handbags
louis vuitton bags

coach said...

coach outlet
coach handbags
coach bags
coach totes
5louis vuitton handbags
LV handbags
louis vuitton bags

moncler jacken
moncler coats
moncler jackets
moncler outlet
Duvetica
Barbour

ed hardy wholesale
wholesale ed hardy

joven said...

hi, you have nice blog.. u can view also mine..http://akoniwares.blogspot.com

sally21c said...

The factors you need to be aware of zigtech, the two most important is the durability and Comfort of the zigtech reebok. Paying for high price for reebok from a reputable brand is not a bad idea As They must have used better quality reebok shoes that will withstand The Elements is zigtech shoes. A well manufactured jacket Will show at Signs of Reebok Easytoneeasytone and reebok shoes should be easy to use.

Anonymous said...

What a truly touching Blog. Keep the faith.

The Nakic family

jnakio@yahoo.com