April 13, 2010

1 Month After Diagnosis

Dear Jordan,
Your diary entries will be done monthly now as life settles into some sort of normality. Dad is doing so well, despite yet another infection in his original drain incision.
This last month has been spent with friends and family, trying to connect and allowing Dad to be as normal as possible.

Some big things have happened in the last few weeks, and really tough decisions have had to be made. One of our biggest fears have been losing Dad, and losing our house shortly afterward. It is unfortunate, but it is a reality, and will probably happen. The bond is not registered solely in my name, and if one of the members of the bond passes away, the banks recall the entire debt. There is no way that I could ever afford to pay off that debt, and so the decision has been made to sell our house. This is not as bad as it sounds, and as Dad said to me, I have never been happy here. He is right, the best thing that happened in this house was you, everything else is of no consequence, and to be very honest, I will not be sad to see this house disappearing into the distance. We will find a new place, that I can afford by myself, and that you can grow up in.

Easter came and went. You had such a wonderful time hunting for eggs with Emma, and giving your poor Granny heart failure when you stuffed an entire white candy egg into your mouth. Watching you and your excitement was amazing, but somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I wondered if this would be the last Easter you would have with your Father, and how that would affect you. For some reason I just cannot get my mind around not having him with us. Perhaps it’s because he is so well now, or because it we cannot see the disease, but most of the time it feels like a dream, that he’ll definitely be with us tomorrow and nothing will change.

It was Jayden’s 1st birthday party last weekend, and we travelled up to East London to celebrate. It was Dad’s 1st long car journey since his diagnosis. He handled it so well, and you were an absolute star in your new big boy seat. The way that you interact with Jayden makes me long for a sibling for you, but while my heart says yes, my head says not yet. We have so much more to enjoy from watching you grow.

Dad and I are off on Friday to Mozambique for Dad’s dream holiday. I am so very excited to experience this dream with Dad, but am also incredibly apprehensive about leaving you behind. I have no anxiety about who you’ll stay with, but rather that you would have grown too quickly, or that I’ll miss out on a big milestone. Perhaps fate will deal me a good hand, and the only milestone will be those molars of yours that will finally show their face after months of irritating you.

Taking photos of you this month has been a stark reminder of how time waits for no man. You are no longer a baby, you no longer look like one, nor do you act like you. You are a fiercely independent little boy, just like your Dad.

Remember we love you always,
Dad and Mom


Sharon said...

Nix, your post is such a stark contrast to mine today, while mine is full of hope and excitement for my future, yours is full of apprehension of what will be... it reminds me that while some of us experience joy, some of us will experiene pain, that is the unfair and cruel nature of the world.
I saw your comment on my blog just as I was reading your update and I cannot imagine how your heart must be hurting!
Holding you all up in prayer!
P.S. Love the photo's of Jordan.

Kerry said...

So glad that your dear hubby is doing well at the moment. I hope that it stay that way so that you can enjoy a much-deserved holiday.

When I read your posts, I imagine Jordin reading them when he is much older. It's hard to believe that when he does, this will all be so far behind you and the fear of not knowing when it will happen or what it will be like without him will no longer be there. I hope that by then that fear will have been replaced with peace - peace in knowing that you are going to be ok.

darcie said...

So excited that you guys will be able to experience this trip together!
Enjoy every moment - take a gajillion pictures!
Have some fun!

the DeAngelo ohana said...

Just found your blog. SO sorry that this is all happening. I will continue to pray for your family and the future. have a BLAST on that vacation! :) Cant wait to see photos!

Not Wendy said...

This just broke my heart. Your baby is the cutest. My prayers are with you!

Be the change you want to see in the world... said...

I found your blog and think of you often...xoxo

staygood1 said...

I'm sitting here at work trying not to cry. I work in a very masculine place so crying is not allwed. I don't know you, your son or your husband. I accidently stumbled onto your blog. I want to do nothing more right now than to go home and love every single person in my family. I am no longer sitting in my poor me zone stressing over the strife of having teens or not enough money or a job that can be challenging. I was reminded just now to cherish every tiny detail of life. Thank You and God Bless.

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prozacandpearls said...


I just came across your blog totally randomly by clicking the Next Blog button from mine a few times.

I almost don't know what to say - all I can tell you is that in London, England, somebody is tremendously moved by your situation, and by the strength and love that pervade your recent entries.
If you are ever in need of something over here, genuinely do drop me a line - I'm a 24 yr old girl, and would be more than happy to help you out.
I will not forget this blog and will think of you and your husband and son often.


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