August 18, 2010

Dear Readers,

So much has happened in the last 2 months, so many thoughts and too many what ifs.
Cancer is a terrible disease, it doesn't only eat at the person suffering from it, but it tears at the very fibre of you family. It irrefutably changes the essence of everyone, including your family dynamic. It leaves you questioning your faith, and living in a world of cynicism. You no longer believe that miracles happen, all you see, feel and experience, is the moment. Your life is filled with Doctor's visits, bad news and waiting for the next symptom to rear it's ugly head. Like wise the reprocutions live for generations, the stigma is attached to you and your family for generations to come. Your child becomes the kid who lost his father/mother to cancer and as they grow they become the adult who lost his father/mother to cancer and eventually it is past on to the next generation.

Yesterday, I lost my friend to this terrible disease. The woman who cared, nurtured and loved Jordan when I had to go back to work. The woman who became my family and who fought with every fibre in her being to stay alive. I cannot describe what it was like to watch an 80 plus kilogram woman, fade away to less than 40 kilograms in less than half a year. It highlighted for me, the enormity of what is to come, not only physically, but emotionally too. It showed me the stigma Syd's children will endure for the rest of their lives.

This has become a deeply personal journey for our family, a journey of loss, not just in the future, but in the right now. I have thought long and hard about my roll as Jordan's mother, and how important it is for me to protect him, even a little, from the stigma that is to be attached to him. As we start the beginning of the end, I have come to realise that perhaps Jordan would not want his father's final months available for the world to see.

For now, I will continue to write for Syd to Jordan on pen and paper. Maybe when he is older, and with his blessing, he will allow people to see what transpired, but that will be his choice to make. Perhaps, at some point I will be able to write about my life again, but not right now.

I will continue to read everyone's updates, and although comments may be few and far between, I will hold each of you in my thoughts.

So, this is goodbye, not forever, just for now. Love fiercely, cherish each moment, hold tightly to your dreams, and enjoy the journey.

13 comments:

Sharon said...

Nix! This sounds like a sound and good plan. I agree with you, this is J's story and nobody elses. It will be his choice to make if he shares it one day. We've made the same decision about the details of Ava's adoption. When people ask I tell them its her story and that I can't share it.
I'm very sorry for the loss of your dear friend and for what is beyond imaginable grief and pain for your family. I lost my FIL to cancer, brain cancer, it was a terrible experience and will stay with me forever, he went from being a vibrant, strong man who loved to cook and care for us, to a withered, confused bag of bones.
You are all in my thoughts often and I hope you will touch base with us once in a while.
Praying that your needs (whatever they may be) are met during this difficult time.
xx

Anonymous said...

I think this is a wise choice. You don't know me but I will be thinking of you and your family.

Benita said...

Thinking of you, J and your family in this hard time, and will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

Anonymous said...

I am speechless i dont know what to say besides saying you are a very strong woman. AS i am writing i cant stop my tears from falling. Death touches every one of us, but to see your loved one waste away its unbearable. I pray to God every day to be with your and your family.There is no day that passes by that i dont remember your word " NO ONE HAS TOMORROW" The words will always stay with me. Life is so unpredictable.

theclam said...

Darling Nix. First my condolences for the loss of your friend. Having recently lost my Dad to cancer I know a bit of what you're feeling right now.

I cannot fathom how you and your family are handling Syd's illness with such aplomb but know this I pray for you and yours daily.

Thinking of you always.

Much love
xxx

Monzelle de Villiers said...

In tears, thinking of you always... Much love M

Anonymous said...

Having watched many close to me pass away from Cancer I know a little bit of what you are feeling and I will be thinking of you, your gorgeous boy and your family every single day.

I think that you are an inspiration as you carry on day to day, puting your pain aside for the love and care of your son, that take a lot and I admire you.

Landie said...

i dont know what to say, still praying for you and syd and will always pray for you. leon lost his mom to blood cancer 13 years ago and still this isnt easy. this is not fair!! live is not fair!!! you and j need him..... oh hun im sooo sorry and will always be here for you! always!!!

darcie said...

I love that you are still doing the pen and paper thing - but have you thought about creating a private blog that has to be password protected in case you did ever want to share it?
That way, you can include pictures to go along with your words...and if you wanted, you could turn that into a hard cover book down the line - I do that with my blog...(the book thing - not the private thing!)
I do love that your child will have something in your hand writing though -
Take care - xoxo

Kim said...

thinking of you and your family ...

cancer is really a dreaded disease ... and I can relate to what u going through ... so many question I have ... so many what if's ...

so scared each morning to go to mom's bedroom ... so scary to see her from 84kg to 60kg in just 6 months ...

*hugs*

Martie xxx said...

I LOVE YOU ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS!!!! YOU KNOW THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shannon said...

I found your blog randomly at the start of the summer and have been checking in periodically. I found myself waiting for the post that would give some closure to your story, but with the best intentions of a miracle and happiness for you and your family. I respect your wishes to make this a private matter. I will not remember you as woman who supported her husband with cancer. I will remember you for a brave woman and a committed partner to your best friend, who shared priceless life lessons under painful circumstances. I will remember your husband as a man who chooses to live his life because most people who are able are not willing. I will remember your son as the joyful innocence that is possible in this world.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are in my prayers. God Bless you.

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